ania-1

Nie pieprz, ze bedzie dobrze. Nikt tego nie wie.

Nie bede sprawdzac maili jakis czas.

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Don't fuck that everything will be fine. No one knows.

I won't be checking emails some time.

Dzisiaj niespodziewany telefon od Evy I Eagel i zaproszenie na kolacje do Wan Chai (erotyczna dzielnica miasta). No coz, bez zadnych sensacji, a moze I szkoda… Posiedzielismy w przytulnej restauracyjce z europejskim jedzeniem. Duzo swieczek, muzyka z lat 60tych I atmosfera, ktora pozwala zapomniec o swiecie. Smialismy sie duzo, jedlismy, co chwile wypalalam cos po kantonsku I znowu wszyscy wybuchali smiechem. Dla nich to takie zaskakujace, ze zylam w miejscu w ktorym w zimie moze byc -20C, gdzie sklepy zamykane sa o 18, a ludzie mowia w jezyku, w ktorym jeden czasownik moze miec kilkanascie form.

Miike znowu zaskoczyl, tym razem filmem “Box”. Taka poezja, sen I uczucia. I on jest chyba o nas – zaplatanych w siec zaleznosc, z ktorej uwolnienie sie pociagneloby tylko za soba smierc. Tragizm zycia, z moze po prostu piekno. Kto wie.

Wczytuje sie we fragmenty ‘Szarej strefy’ Rozewicza: kamasutra Hitlera, bramaputra Stalina, palec klintona, wielki wybuch, male wzdecie i “Moja mama fukujama… nie rozumie nic…”

Spedzilam poranek biegajac a potem siedzac przy plazy I sluchajac trzasku wody o skaly. Lubie ten zapach powietrza, odglos morza, pusta plaze i widok wysp gdzies w oddali. Czuje sie spokojna.

Wiem, pisze tak jakos bez wyrazu. Jest pozno, ide spac.

W srodku życia
 

Po koncu swiata

po smierci

znalazłem się w srodku życia

stwarzałem siebie

budowałem życie

ludzi zwierzęta krajobrazy

to jest stół mówiłem

to jest stół

na stole leży chleb nóż

nóż służy do krajania chleba

chlebem karmia się ludzie

człowieka trzeba kochać

uczyłem się w nocy w dzień

co trzeba kochać

odpowiadałem człowieka

[Rozewicz]

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Today an unexpected phone call from Eva and Eagle and their invitation for a dinner in Wan Chai (red-light district in HK). Oh well, without any sensations, maybe it’s a pity…

We’ve been sitting in a snug restaurant with European food. Lots of candles, music from 60s and nice atmosphere made us forget about the world. Lots of laughing, good food and as usually when I was showing off my Cantonese everyone was bursting into laugh. For them it’s so surprising that I’ve been living in a place where it can be -20C in winter, where shops close at 6pm, and were people speak in a language that has more than ten forms of the same verb.

Miike surprised again, this time with “Box”; lots of poetic shots, dreams and feelings. The whole film is probably about all of us – entangled in a net of concepts and relations; setting free might be brought only by death. Tragedy of life, or maybe just it’s beauty. Who knows.

I’m reading into fragments of Rozewicz’s “Grey Zone”: Hitler’s kamasutra, brahmaputra of Stalin, Clinton’s finger, big explosion, small flatulence and ‘my mama fukuyama… doesn’t understand a thing…’ Indeed.

I spent the morning jogging and sitting on the beach listening to the crash of waves against rocks. I like this smell of air, sound of sea, empty beach and the view on distant islands. I feel calm.

Yes, my writing is blank. It’s late, I’m going to sleep.

In The Middle Of Life

After the end of the world
after my death
I found myself in the middle of life
I created myself
constructed life
people animals landscapes

this is a table I was saying
this is a table
on the table are lying bread a knife
the knife serves to cut the bread
people nourish themselves with bread

one should love man
I was learning by night and day
what one should love
I answered man

this is a window I was saying
this is a window
beyond the window is a garden
in the garden I see an apple tree
the apple tree blossoms
the blossoms fall off
the fruits take form
they ripen my father is picking up an apple
that man who is picking up an apple
is my father

I was sitting on the threshold of the house

that old woman who
is pulling a goat on a rope
is more necessary
and more precious
than the seven wonders of the world
whoever thinks and feels
that she is not necessary
he is guilty of genocide

this is a man
this is a tree this is bread

people nourish themselves in order to live
I was repeating to myself
human life is important
human life has great importance
the value of life
surpasses the value of all the objects
which man has made
man is a great treasure
I was repeating stubbornly

this water I was saying
I was stroking the waves with my hand
and conversing with the river
water I said
good water
this is I

the man talked to the water
talked to the moon
to the flowers to the rain
he talked to the earth
to the birds
to the sky

the sky was silent
the earth was silent
if he heard a voice
which flowed
from the earth from the water from the sky
it was the voice of another man

[Rozewicz]

Na rozmowach klasyfikacyjnych do AIESEC czulam sie jak w kawkowym “Procesie”. Co chwile otwieraly sie inne drzwi, wychodzili z nich rozni ludzie ubrani na czarno I z powaznymi minami I wchodzili za nastepne drzwi, z ktorych znowu wychodzil ktos inny I znikal za nastepnymi drzwiami. A ja wraz z szostka innych aplikantow siedzielismy cicho na krzeslach w korytarzu czekajac na rozpoczecie, ktore przeciagalo sie w nieskonczonosc.

Troche mnie ta cala sytuacja bawila I podzielilam sie wrazeniami z kolega siedzacym z boku, dla niego to najwyrazniej bylo cos naturalnego. Sala rekrutacyjna to cos podobnego do tej z ‘Audition’ Miike’iego – krzeslo po srodku sali, a za stolem kilka metrow dalej komisja. No coz… mowilam o sobie, o opiniach… mialam taki jakis dobry humor ze caly czas sie smialam, zwlaszcza kiedy doszlismy do moich wrazen w Hong Kongu, wczesniejszych doswiadczen I roznic srodowiska pracy w Azji I Europie, potem jakies napomkniecie o Bushu I kila slow o czekoladzie. Potem druga tura – rozmowy grupowe.

W miedzyczasie pogawetka z Kelvinem o jego mamie. Tez bym chciala zyc tak jak ona, znac tyle jezykow I jezdzic po swiecie a majac zawsze miejsce aby wrocic, taka baze.

Po poludniu wpadl Eric, i do cholery jasnej ja juz nie wiem co mam z tym zrobic. Napomykal cos o atrakcyjnosci, szalenstwie i wielkiej milosci, skonczylam rozmowe krotkim ‘That’s it’, odwrocilam sie na piecie i wrocilam do pokoju. Do cholery z tym!

Slucham namietnie Wilkow I zaluje, ze mam tylko jedna plyte.

“Masz dusze tak jak rzeka,

a zycie to wciaz nieznany brzeg.

Plyniemy gdzies daleko,

nikt do konca nie wie gdzie” Poganski znak

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During the interviews in AIESEC I felt like in Kafkaesque ‘Trial’. Doors were opening and closing, people in black were moving from one room to another having very serious expressions on their faces. Someone came in from one door and disappeared behind another, from which someone else came out and entered the third door. I and six more applicants have been sitting on the chairs in the corridor waiting until the show would start, which didn’t seem to come very soon.

I found the whole situation really amusing and tried to share my impressions with a friend sitting next to me, but for him everything seemed to be totally obvious. The recruitment room was similar to the one from Miike’s ‘Audition’ – a chair in the middle, and the desk with interviewers few meters farther. Oh well... I was talking about myself and my opinions… I was up then and I was laughing almost all the time, especially when they asked about my experiences in Hong Kong, previous jobs and differences in working environments in Asia and Europe, after that hinting at Bush and few words about chocolate. Later the second part of the selection process- group interviews.

In the meantime a small chat with Kelvin about his mother. I’d like to live like she does – knowing many languages, traveling around the world and at that time having a base to come back to.

In the afternoon Eric came by. He was talking something about attractiveness, big love and being crazy. I finished the talk with a short “that’s it” and left. To the hell with that! 

I’m  listening passionately to Wilki and regret that I don’t have more CDs.

“You’ve got soul like a river

and the life is still unknown shore

We are floating towards somewhere far away

No one really knows were.” Pagan sign

Wczorajsze wspomnienie Karen o napotkanym na uniwersytecie wezu okazalo sie poczatkiem dlugiej wieczornej pogawedki na temat jedzenia w Hong Kongu. Jej ulubione danie to zupa z wezy, do ktorej bardzo mnie zacheca. Inne rzeczy godne, jej zdaniem, polecenia to pletwa rekina i zupa z krabow. Umowilysmy sie na wypad na miasto na jakas porzadna uczte. To moze byc ciekawe, po ta zupa z weza naprawde brzmi zachecajaco!

Karen uczy mnie kantonskiego. Zalapywanie slowek idzie mi powoli, ale jakis postep jest. Lubie patrzec na reakcje ludzi kiedy nagle wyskakuje z frazami ‘Dziekuje’, ‘Odjazd’ (jesli chodzi o jedzenie), ‘Dobranoc’, ‘Za drogie’ albo ‘Duzy problem’. NIektorzy sie usmiechaja, inni dostaja ataku smiechu J To bardzo rozladowuje sytuacje.

Jakis czas temu spotkalam Polakow w metrze. Kiedy slyszalam jak rozmawiali, dlugo nie wiedzialam czy sie odezwac i skonczylam wpatrujac sie w nich. Po tym jak jeden mrugnal do mnie, powiedzialam dziendobry. Oni tez byli zaskoczeni i ucieszyli sie natykajac sie na kogos z kraju. Okazalo sie, ze zegluja I zacumowali w miejscowym porcie aby zrobic zakupy.

Dzisiaj wtorek. Jak zwykle po poludniu pojechalam do centrum jezykowego, wrocilam przed 20 taszczac moja przyjazna dla srodowiska torbe na zakupy wypelniona kilogramami owocow – banany, jablka, kiwi, winogrona… Na uniwersytecie wiekszosc owocow nie jest taka dobra, ponadto w Heng Hau jest o wiele taniej. Postawilam torbe w koncie i, relaksuje sie troche sluchajac sonat fortepianowych Rachmaninowa a potem rozpakowywuje to wszystko i zabieram sie do zadan z ekonometrii.

Lubie te sonaty, sa takie energiczne I pelne emocji. Moze to zabrzmi dziwnie, ale czuje jakby byly czescia mnie, jakby odzwierciedlaly jakis fragment mojej duszy. Czuje, ze to wszystko sie tam we mnie kotluje… Zlosc. Na co? Na wszystko: na zycie, na ludzi, na mnie sama. Ta melodia jakby wykrzykiwala: To nie tak! Nie zgadzam sie! To cholery jasnej z tym wszystkim! I tak sobie wykrzykuje, pomimo ze lubie zycie. Ale ta wewnetrzna niezgoda jest chyba w kazdym z nas. Na przekor wszystkiemu. Rzucic to do wszystkich diablow I uciec! Ale gdzie, przeciez jestem juz na drugim koncu swiata.

Karen pojechala dzisiaj do domu. Miala ochote na domowy obiad. Ona I tak wiecej czasu spedza w domu niz w akademiku – wyjezdza zazwyczaj w piatek, wraca w poniedzialek. Fajnie, mam troche wolnej przestrzeni. 

Jutro po poludniu dwa wyklady. Okolo 16 Pan Chan poprosil abym pomogla mu w selekcjonowaniu dzieci do grup jezykowych. Zostal otworzony nowy osrodek i trzeba podzielic nowe dzieci na grupy stopnia zaawansowania angielskiego. Robilam takie selekcje juz wczesniej, ale na mniejsza skale. Tym razem bedziemy tam siedziec prawie trzy godziny. Potem pojade na wyspe kupic nowe buty, bo stare sie juz rozpadaja. Ja tak chyba zawsze robie, nie tylko z rzeczami ale tez z relacjami z ludzmi – wyrzucic kiedy juz absolutnie nie da sie z tym nic zrobic.

Czasem ogarnia mnie nostalgia.

Siadam  na murku przy plazy.

woda…

To ja

moje zycie

gory, wiatr, zapach lisci

wielgachne motyle przelatuja przed nosem

Paryz, Barcelona

Cieply kominek w domu.

Tyle razy zasypialam na dywanie, w nocy, kolo kominka, kiedy nikogo nie bylo w domu albo wszyscy juz spali. Sluchajac swistu wiatru w kominie.

Bezpieczenstwo.

Sergei! Jaka wspaniala musiales miec dusze, aby ulozyc taka muzyke!

Nie pisze czesto, bo nie mam czasu.

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Yesterday Karen mentioned a snake, which she had passed somewhere at the university. It turned out to be the beginning of a long chat on food in Hong Kong. Her favorite dish – snake soup, and she encourages me a lot to try it. Her other recommendations – shark’s fin and crab soup. We plan to go out one day to have a feast. It might be interesting, because snake soup sounds very encouraging!

Karen teaches me Cantonese. It takes long time to remember new words, but I try to repeat them very often. I like to look at the reactions of people when I say ‘Thank you’, ‘Far-out’ (when it comes to food), ‘Goodnight’, ‘Too expensive’ or ‘Big problem’. Some are smiling, others have laughing attack. It relaxes the situations a lot.

Some time ago I met few Poles in the subway. When I heard they talking I hesitated to say something so I ended up staring at them. When one of them winked to me, I said ‘Dziendobry’ (Polish good day). They were also surprised and happy to meet someone from the country. As it turned out they are sailing around, and stopped in the city’s port to do some shopping.

Today is Tuesday. As always during this day I went to the language center in the afternoon, and came back after 8pm lugging my environmental friendly shopping bag packed with kilograms of fruit – bananas, apples, kiwi, grapes… On the campus the quality of fruit is not so good, besides it’s much cheaper in Heng Hau. I left the bag in the corner and I’m relaxing listening to Rachmaninov’s piano sonatas. After that I’ll unpack the bag and mobilize strengths to do econometrics exercises.

I like these sonatas. They are so energetic and full of emotions. Maybe it sounds strange, but I feel as if they were part of me, as if they reflected part of my soul. I feel that all of that is inside of me. Anger. On what? On everything: life, people, myself. This melody seems to scream: It’s not the way it should be! I don’t agree! To the hell with all of that! And I’m screaming like that inside of my head even though I like life. But this internal disagreement is probably inside of every one of us. Against everything. To leave all of that and to escape! Where? Above all I’m on the other side of the world.

Karen left for home today. She just wanted to eat some home made food. She spends more time at home than in the hall – she leaves on Friday and comes back on Monday. It’s nice, I’ve more space for myself.

Tomorrow in the afternoon two lectures. Mr. Chan asked me to help in the selection of kids into groups, at 4pm. A new center has been opened and the new kids should be divided according to their level of proficiency in English. I’ve been doing selections like that before, but this time it will be much bigger event. We will be sitting there three hours. After that I’m going to the island to buy new shoes, because the old ones are falling apart. I used to do that not only with things but also with relationships with people – throw out at the point when there is nothing more that can be done to fix it.

Sometimes I feel very nostalgic.

I sit on a small wall next to the beach.

Water

Me

My life

Mountains, wind, smell of leaves

Enormous butterflies flying around

Paris, Barcelona

Warm fireplace at home

I used to fall asleep on the carpet, at night, next to the fireplace, when no one was at home or everyone was already asleep. Just listening to the whistle of the wind in the chimney.

Safety.

Sergei! How wonderful soul you must have had to compose the music like that!

I write rarely, because I don’t have time.