ania-1

'Rue Transnonain, April 15, 1834'  Honore Daumier

Rano niespodziewany telefon od Evy z prosba o zastapienie kolegi, ktory sie rozchorowal. No I jak zwykle podroz do Heng Hau busikiem. Przyzwyczailam sie juz, ze kierowca pedzi niemilosiernie w dol z uniwersytetu, pokonujac ostre zakrety. Dobrze, ze przy szybach sa metalowe barierki ktorych mozna sie trzymac, bo w innym wypadku ludzie lataliby w srodku jak ziemniaki. Tak mi sie przynajmniej wydawalo na poczatku, a teraz wszystko zaczyna normalniec.

Monika zaskoczyla mnie niesamowicie. Myslalam, ze wyjechala, a tu prosze. Szykuje sie kilka dobrych obiadkow I wypadow do miasta. Ciesze sie bardzo. To jedyna osoba tutaj z ktora fajnie sie dogaduje.

Przez kilka ostatnich dni slucham w kolko Tracy Chapman. Nie wiem, jakos tak wspolgra z moimi uczuciami.

‘Almost‘ve got what I want

almost found what I lost,

almost saved you in myself,

almost want, but it doesn’t count and never does.’

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Unexpected phone call in the morning from Eva asking to take replace a colleague who suddenly got sick. And few minutes after that I’ve been sitting on a minibus speeding towards Heng Hau. I had had enough time to get used to the driver who is always speeding down the curvy hill from the university. It’s good that there are metal barriers that people can hold, because otherwise everyone would fall out of their seats. Well…maybe I’m exaggerating, but that was my impression when I first was traveling by a minibus in HK.. 

Monika surprised me a lot. I was sure that she left, and here ‘Surprise!’. Oh well, we will have few nice dinners and outings before she leaves two weeks from now. She seems to be the only person here with whom I can find a kind of similar language.

During the last days I've been listening to Tracy Chapman over and over again. I don’t know why, maybe it just matches my feelings.

‘Almost‘ve got what I want

almost found what I lost,

almost saved you in myself,

almost want, but it doesn’t count and never does.’

No tak... ostatnio bylo jakos tak ciezko. I zastanawiam na ile ja sama wyolbrzymiam problemy a na ile one naprawde istnieja. Ale M. ma racje, w pewnym sensie stawiam siebie w centrum swiata.

Sama siebie zaskakuje. Wydawalo mi sie, ze moge sie przystosowac do kazdych warunkow a okazuje sie, ze tak radykalna zmiana kultury po pewnym czasie to dla mnie za duzo.

Ludzie tutaj mowia innym jezykiem, ale nie tylko w sensie doslownym. Sa na ogol bardziej konserwatywni, nie pala, raczej nie pija, ogladaja filmy I czytaja ksiazki, ktore za bardzo mnie nie interesuja... Brakuje miejsca na dyskusje I na wymiany pogladow. Czasem czuje sie wyizolowana, jakby na uboczu. Jestem tez inaczej traktowana. Nie koniecznie jako Ania, ale 'ta z Zachodu'. To wszystko razem buduje bariere pomiedzy mna a reszta.

Kilka spiec w pracy, poczucie osamotnienia I niska motywacja sprawily ze nie czulam ze cokolwiek ma sens.

Ale poradze sobie. Zaczelam czesciej uprawiac sport, grac na fortepianie I wiecej czytac dla przyjemnosci.

'Saturn' Gunter Grass - ponizej. Nie moge znalezc tlumaczenia.

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Oh well... it has been pretty hard during the last time. And I'm wandering to what extend I'm exaggerating the problems, and to what extend they really exist. But M. is right, in a way I place myself in the middle of the world.

I'm surprised. I had thought that I can adjust to all circumstances. And it turns out that such a radical change of culture might be too much to me.

Most of the people who surround me seem to speak in a different language, but not only literally. They are generally more conservative, they don't smoke, usually don't drink, they watch films and read books that don't really interest me...There is no space for good discussions and interesting exchanges of thoughts. Sometimes I feel isolated, like on a side. I also feel that I'm treated differently. Not really as Ania, but as 'the one from the West'. All of that together builds a barrier between me and the rest.

Some bad situations at work, loneliness and low motivation made me wandering if anything has sense.

But I will cope with that. Started doing more sports, playing piano and reading more for pleasure.

Saturn

In this big house –

from the rats

who know about the drains,

to the pigeons

who know nothing –

I live and suppose much.

Came home late,

opened the house

with my key

and noticed as I hunted for my key

that I needed a key

to enter my own home.

Was quite hungry,

ate a chicken

with my hands

and noticed as I ate the chicken

that I was eating a chicken

which was cold and dead.

Then stooped,

took off both shoes

and noticed as I took off my shoes

that we have to stoop

if we want to take,

shoes off.

I lay horizontal,

smoked the cigarette,

and in the darkness was certain

that someone held out his open hand

when I knocked the ashes

from my cigarette.

At night Saturn comes

and holds out his hand.

With my ashes, he

cleans his teeth, Saturn.

We shall climb

into his jaws.

[Gunter Grass]

Nie pieprz, ze bedzie dobrze. Nikt tego nie wie.

Nie bede sprawdzac maili jakis czas.

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Don't fuck that everything will be fine. No one knows.

I won't be checking emails some time.

Dzisiaj niespodziewany telefon od Evy I Eagel i zaproszenie na kolacje do Wan Chai (erotyczna dzielnica miasta). No coz, bez zadnych sensacji, a moze I szkoda… Posiedzielismy w przytulnej restauracyjce z europejskim jedzeniem. Duzo swieczek, muzyka z lat 60tych I atmosfera, ktora pozwala zapomniec o swiecie. Smialismy sie duzo, jedlismy, co chwile wypalalam cos po kantonsku I znowu wszyscy wybuchali smiechem. Dla nich to takie zaskakujace, ze zylam w miejscu w ktorym w zimie moze byc -20C, gdzie sklepy zamykane sa o 18, a ludzie mowia w jezyku, w ktorym jeden czasownik moze miec kilkanascie form.

Miike znowu zaskoczyl, tym razem filmem “Box”. Taka poezja, sen I uczucia. I on jest chyba o nas – zaplatanych w siec zaleznosc, z ktorej uwolnienie sie pociagneloby tylko za soba smierc. Tragizm zycia, z moze po prostu piekno. Kto wie.

Wczytuje sie we fragmenty ‘Szarej strefy’ Rozewicza: kamasutra Hitlera, bramaputra Stalina, palec klintona, wielki wybuch, male wzdecie i “Moja mama fukujama… nie rozumie nic…”

Spedzilam poranek biegajac a potem siedzac przy plazy I sluchajac trzasku wody o skaly. Lubie ten zapach powietrza, odglos morza, pusta plaze i widok wysp gdzies w oddali. Czuje sie spokojna.

Wiem, pisze tak jakos bez wyrazu. Jest pozno, ide spac.

W srodku życia
 

Po koncu swiata

po smierci

znalazłem się w srodku życia

stwarzałem siebie

budowałem życie

ludzi zwierzęta krajobrazy

to jest stół mówiłem

to jest stół

na stole leży chleb nóż

nóż służy do krajania chleba

chlebem karmia się ludzie

człowieka trzeba kochać

uczyłem się w nocy w dzień

co trzeba kochać

odpowiadałem człowieka

[Rozewicz]

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Today an unexpected phone call from Eva and Eagle and their invitation for a dinner in Wan Chai (red-light district in HK). Oh well, without any sensations, maybe it’s a pity…

We’ve been sitting in a snug restaurant with European food. Lots of candles, music from 60s and nice atmosphere made us forget about the world. Lots of laughing, good food and as usually when I was showing off my Cantonese everyone was bursting into laugh. For them it’s so surprising that I’ve been living in a place where it can be -20C in winter, where shops close at 6pm, and were people speak in a language that has more than ten forms of the same verb.

Miike surprised again, this time with “Box”; lots of poetic shots, dreams and feelings. The whole film is probably about all of us – entangled in a net of concepts and relations; setting free might be brought only by death. Tragedy of life, or maybe just it’s beauty. Who knows.

I’m reading into fragments of Rozewicz’s “Grey Zone”: Hitler’s kamasutra, brahmaputra of Stalin, Clinton’s finger, big explosion, small flatulence and ‘my mama fukuyama… doesn’t understand a thing…’ Indeed.

I spent the morning jogging and sitting on the beach listening to the crash of waves against rocks. I like this smell of air, sound of sea, empty beach and the view on distant islands. I feel calm.

Yes, my writing is blank. It’s late, I’m going to sleep.

In The Middle Of Life

After the end of the world
after my death
I found myself in the middle of life
I created myself
constructed life
people animals landscapes

this is a table I was saying
this is a table
on the table are lying bread a knife
the knife serves to cut the bread
people nourish themselves with bread

one should love man
I was learning by night and day
what one should love
I answered man

this is a window I was saying
this is a window
beyond the window is a garden
in the garden I see an apple tree
the apple tree blossoms
the blossoms fall off
the fruits take form
they ripen my father is picking up an apple
that man who is picking up an apple
is my father

I was sitting on the threshold of the house

that old woman who
is pulling a goat on a rope
is more necessary
and more precious
than the seven wonders of the world
whoever thinks and feels
that she is not necessary
he is guilty of genocide

this is a man
this is a tree this is bread

people nourish themselves in order to live
I was repeating to myself
human life is important
human life has great importance
the value of life
surpasses the value of all the objects
which man has made
man is a great treasure
I was repeating stubbornly

this water I was saying
I was stroking the waves with my hand
and conversing with the river
water I said
good water
this is I

the man talked to the water
talked to the moon
to the flowers to the rain
he talked to the earth
to the birds
to the sky

the sky was silent
the earth was silent
if he heard a voice
which flowed
from the earth from the water from the sky
it was the voice of another man

[Rozewicz]

Na rozmowach klasyfikacyjnych do AIESEC czulam sie jak w kawkowym “Procesie”. Co chwile otwieraly sie inne drzwi, wychodzili z nich rozni ludzie ubrani na czarno I z powaznymi minami I wchodzili za nastepne drzwi, z ktorych znowu wychodzil ktos inny I znikal za nastepnymi drzwiami. A ja wraz z szostka innych aplikantow siedzielismy cicho na krzeslach w korytarzu czekajac na rozpoczecie, ktore przeciagalo sie w nieskonczonosc.

Troche mnie ta cala sytuacja bawila I podzielilam sie wrazeniami z kolega siedzacym z boku, dla niego to najwyrazniej bylo cos naturalnego. Sala rekrutacyjna to cos podobnego do tej z ‘Audition’ Miike’iego – krzeslo po srodku sali, a za stolem kilka metrow dalej komisja. No coz… mowilam o sobie, o opiniach… mialam taki jakis dobry humor ze caly czas sie smialam, zwlaszcza kiedy doszlismy do moich wrazen w Hong Kongu, wczesniejszych doswiadczen I roznic srodowiska pracy w Azji I Europie, potem jakies napomkniecie o Bushu I kila slow o czekoladzie. Potem druga tura – rozmowy grupowe.

W miedzyczasie pogawetka z Kelvinem o jego mamie. Tez bym chciala zyc tak jak ona, znac tyle jezykow I jezdzic po swiecie a majac zawsze miejsce aby wrocic, taka baze.

Po poludniu wpadl Eric, i do cholery jasnej ja juz nie wiem co mam z tym zrobic. Napomykal cos o atrakcyjnosci, szalenstwie i wielkiej milosci, skonczylam rozmowe krotkim ‘That’s it’, odwrocilam sie na piecie i wrocilam do pokoju. Do cholery z tym!

Slucham namietnie Wilkow I zaluje, ze mam tylko jedna plyte.

“Masz dusze tak jak rzeka,

a zycie to wciaz nieznany brzeg.

Plyniemy gdzies daleko,

nikt do konca nie wie gdzie” Poganski znak

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During the interviews in AIESEC I felt like in Kafkaesque ‘Trial’. Doors were opening and closing, people in black were moving from one room to another having very serious expressions on their faces. Someone came in from one door and disappeared behind another, from which someone else came out and entered the third door. I and six more applicants have been sitting on the chairs in the corridor waiting until the show would start, which didn’t seem to come very soon.

I found the whole situation really amusing and tried to share my impressions with a friend sitting next to me, but for him everything seemed to be totally obvious. The recruitment room was similar to the one from Miike’s ‘Audition’ – a chair in the middle, and the desk with interviewers few meters farther. Oh well... I was talking about myself and my opinions… I was up then and I was laughing almost all the time, especially when they asked about my experiences in Hong Kong, previous jobs and differences in working environments in Asia and Europe, after that hinting at Bush and few words about chocolate. Later the second part of the selection process- group interviews.

In the meantime a small chat with Kelvin about his mother. I’d like to live like she does – knowing many languages, traveling around the world and at that time having a base to come back to.

In the afternoon Eric came by. He was talking something about attractiveness, big love and being crazy. I finished the talk with a short “that’s it” and left. To the hell with that! 

I’m  listening passionately to Wilki and regret that I don’t have more CDs.

“You’ve got soul like a river

and the life is still unknown shore

We are floating towards somewhere far away

No one really knows were.” Pagan sign